PJ001-1 : Evaluative Criterion
Creative types usually gather, but that doesn’t always ensure they get along and play nicely with the others. Making music has been such a journey of spontaneously whippish eruptions. A rock band has been difficult to incubate as a business that shows progressive growth. Many factors can and have contributed to the downfall of nearly every band in which I have played. I am the constant, so I am the only culprit.
It seems that I should be not the only one to blame, but one member of a group that has failed to exhibit partnership. The truth is that I have set myself up for it all along. It’s not that I destructed each group, but that I wasn’t even in the right place to be destructive. It just wasn’t every meant to be. Until now, I think.
Well now it just feels right. I’m playing in two bands as a drummer and sound engineer. We have business meetings – albeit casually. We work constructively on songwriting and jam to ensure empathy to the music. We make certain that each of us is not stressed and communicate effectively. So what’s changed?
Previously I would have run away totally because of the fights we have had. There have been two really tense moments and several incredibly annoying interactions – more than several really. You see I have always made friends with musicians and only a handful of drinking pals. The drinking pals are gone and the musicians float around sporadically, at best. Why am I so limited in social behaviour? It’s a simple matter of just getting down to business.
For some reason, I have always aligned myself to attract messages of isolated focus on artistic production. This can be seen as “hermit” or “loon” to the outside perspective. And not that I’ve always been so focused either. This lack of focus is the culprit. A lack of focus has led me into a hybrative coma, where I am not exactly out in lala land, but dreaming, deeply. And this is usually submerged in alcohol and weed. That’s bad stuff – the alcohol.
So the friends I made on that alcohol really interrupted the social norms that I was achieving as a child. When I started drinking it was downhill. I was able to replace some of the drinking that started hard and heavy with a bit of weed. Then the weed took over and I went into a very introspective place, as most musicians seem to encounter. This was incredibly awkward, but [very long story short] I was able to make it out and achieve even greater things because of it. Yes, I attribute some of my success as a human to weed, mushrooms and the ensuing introspective utopian ideals I hold so dear.
Really, it was the meditative state that I was able to achieve. It was the realization of my own brand of Evaluative Criterion. This is what we look so deeply for as humans. It is our way of coping with the reality of our reality. It is our soul’s lashing out in vanity of escaping intact with the body. But like I said, coming to this place of realization was not easy. I made some bad choices on the way. Human choices, but they were bad, nonetheless.
The human must grow. We must adapt with our experiences guiding the way. Try this on for a minute. When working on a big project, immerse yourself in it totally. Lose control of other things. Go deep, but be sure to warn your closest allies beforehand. You will be surprised to find yourself in the same world when you make it out of that tunnel. It’s like you were gone but never went anywhere. Now think of going in there and not ever creating anything. Never doing anything, except walking through the tunnel. Maybe you sleep a little. Maybe you cry a little because you find yourself alone.
Well this is how drugs will ruin you. This is how making deeply distraught decisions can lead you to dark places that don’t allow experiential growth. It’s tough, but it can happen easily if you aren’t aware. Sometimes you may get something out of it. Sometimes you will just find yourself alive again and then you must restart. It’s ok. Plug back in.
So back to the story. I was making friends with musicians, not people. I wanted the instrument and didn’t care about who it was that sexed it up for me. I just wanted the love and no romance. Now, the change has been that I first am able to love myself. Second, I have found love – and this part is the most interesting. Coming closer and closer to my ultimate happiness I was able to find the band I always wanted. Then, shit got bad. We had a terrible fight and I exploded. The fight was even my fault…because I brought all of these guys together to play music and work constructively on a project bigger than ourselves and even our bands. But I was not communicating.
I was first not communicating with myself. The meditation had subsided once again to alcoholic dreaming – like a zombie. This was in part due to a difference in lifestyle and the whole submersion process of introspective creativity. The others guys hadn’t been to that same place that I had been. We hadn’ t shared the same growth process of meditative self discovery. We hadn’t seen supreme love. We hadn’t all seen God. I have been there, to my personal salvation. But I know some of the other guys hadn’t, because they told me. They don’t know their evaluative criterion is already with them.
We grew apart. The thing that helped the most was that I met the love of my life. It was completely unexpected and incredibly magical. I saw her for the first time and I exploded with excitement. But I didn’t even feel it really. I mean, I felt it, but it was as though I had just been transformed, thoughts, memories and future, in an instant. And I didn’t even have time to flinch. I just showed up. But I was still gone from the band. I took four whole months, a whole summer to enjoy my new-found love. We immediately lived together and have not been apart since. It will last forever and longer. And so will I.
Now aware of life’s bounty, I was able to look at each situation clearly and with certainty that I knew the right path. My heart has been opened up and I am able to see what life is to me. I am able to see the truth of good and evil. I am able, although having been able my whole, to live. This is now allowing me to bring myself into focus, to make myself the subject of the painting and to create openly, with fierce love for the universe.
This ability generates a lust for communication now. I want to dive straight into conversations – although I have the ability to see when I am not needed – and start creating harmoniously with others. Teamwork is the goal, and the only ability to accomplish anything in this world. Independence simply means that you are a human within yourself whilst abiding outside of it. You are what you are and when you are able to realize this, you can see the world for what it is: YOURS.
The only way here is through love. Love conquers all and without it you are nothing. There is nothing without love. When you find love, the universe is yours. The ability is yours. It always has been. Finding that love and ability and making it yours is the journey. It cannot be forced. It will not be forced. It will right on time, but the key is, the necessity is that we open ourselves to the possibility of it. You must accept and believe fully that somewhere it exists, something bigger than ourselves, something more. When we accept this fate, the here and now will take care of itself.